Thursday, March 29, 2007

Before I Begin My Perilous Journey To Uni

When playing XIII, rum and coke zero make the crossbow go fuzzy and shoot shotgun pellets into the electrical fields of daisies.
Some real life silliness (well I found it silly) for a change. Found on the Med Building male toilet, on a cubicle wall, I quote:
"You'd expect med students to be able to avoid pissing on the seat."
Which was of course met with profound profanity and vulgarity. The real side to doctors, people!

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Nan-Maku-San-Ban-Da, Ba-Za-Ra-Dan-KAN!!

Away with you spirits and ghosties of the missing gauze cleaning wood pulp rubber stopper Aspirin tablets!! AWAY!!! AKU HALAU MU!!! BELAH!!
There we go... no more haunting for you naughty naughties. Even the noodles are drinking themselves to death because of your milky evilness.
Oo my coin jumped to my right hand, did a pirouette, backflip somersaulted and smashed into my right cornea. Isn't he a great friend? Yes I thought so too. I'm sure the ribbon rapped furry meerkats did too. Didn't you little fellows? Cute little farts are the meerkats. Make me want to cuddle them and strap myself up in a straight jacket and spit on the tetrahedral clothes pegs of insanity that hang around disturbing the millions of synapses happening every second in the center of my thinking area. Krrff krfff. No late-night photo session for you. HEY!! No curi masuk! ISH ISH ISH!! Go to your room and think about what the wallpaper aphids have done to the cheerios in my waste paper basket milk bottle. BOHAHAHAHAHA
I see dry calculator button shells... they're... coming... to... find... you... in... my cupboard. The locusts go to war! All that remain to defend us are the grass-blade wielding ladybugs. FIGHT!! FIGHT!! Oh well... locusts lost. The eagles will have revenge.
Transformers!! More than meets the explodoeyeballs of retinal doom.
UPDATE: Hey! Did you know the process of bleaching paper involves the use of reverse writing and expert sleight of foot? Neither did I... intriguing possibilites (unlike having to chew on your leather suitcase when there's no other food in the world you aren't allergic to). Clicky. Penguins don't walk very well... their natural swimming footwear just doesn't suit their ice-skating tendencies. That's why they use their fattily insulated feathery bellies. Just like uncorking a twist-top bottle of green ink to drink. MM tastes like rubber wing-tips. Very windy too.
Isn't it nice how you get a yellow-white colour in your left-pinky-toenail when you stand in a cave?

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Frills Or No Gills?

Hair is falling from the bountiful forests of the Nestea bottles. w00t w00t w00t
ahw000gaa!! Timberrrr-laannddd matressessss...
Cerebrations! Cushy government jobs for all who oppose the government. Down with mechanical pencil sharpening razor-shelled mussels. Up with hot air (as it usually goes anyway). I saw sparks. They were running around digging whole holes in the whiskey. Swim my little hair follicles swim!! Swim for your pathetic lifelessness!! You're freeeeee... free like the red light on the thumb drive incessantly flashing bleep bleep KokoKrunch. *munCh* *mUnCH* Count the pH of pond slime sarcophagi. That's a legitimate scientific experi-mental case. Just like the chicken schnitzel that Fluffy the tyranical box ribbon's paper airplane. What hanging sentence? Simpletons all of you!
So long, farewell aufwiedersehen goodbyee,
I'm off to eat a tasty sheep wool piee.
Oh god! I'm high! Can't be bothered to rhyme...
My pencils are sleepy. The twinkle is fading from their styrofoamed Smirnoff cup-holder. What?
kskrxxxhasxxxoorrzzz jooo!! MAPHACCKKKKK!!! coff coff

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Too Much...

To the body snatchers out there, please refrain from stealing peoples' identities and their various gazelle-y undergarments. They aren't yours! In any case, leave YOUR nonsense outside the door THEN you can come in for a glass of harbour trash. They do wonderful things with pollution these days, I hear they're feeding left over shower heads to the poor and donating squamous kelp to seriously overnourished bats for safekeeping. Lugubrious I say! Just absolutely peppery. SnE@ze.
Orange Marshmallow Fertilizing Gumdrops, Wonderfully Tasteless Fillet-o-hamburger, Big Bummed Quince?? Take all the capitals and what do they spell? A mercifully vertical death caused by stripes-of-zebra poisoning... It's wonderfully painful. Makes the rough ERs conduct surgery very very gently on the various sponge tables. When that happens, there's apparently a success rate of 99.98729303112938% when dissecting a pair of shorts that pillows will inflate and expel the fluffy doughnuts hidden away beneath the curry icing. Thus it all turns out just plain drafty. Breeze coming through. *plonk*
That reminds me, made purple leaflet curry today. The chlorine-fill really helps to push the taste right to the edge of your conscience. Aphids have a better sense of direction than a GPS attached to a chunk of liquified bubble wrap. When they eat breakfast cereal it means that the world will come to an appocalyptic end cause by a hundred million combination locks releasing gas at the same time. Foul stuff. There are better ways to go. Soft toy plushies for instance. Delectable.
Cause and effect are linked by a series of fortunate events that led to the invention of the black and blue crossword puzzle of ultimate thumbdrive shapes. Scrummage for iPod cables in a bucket of liquid earthworm-hide suitcases to win the 1st prize. Steadily dividing differentiated epiglottis cells. It's a first in animal psychology that's for sure.
I can't be bothered to boil the firefly tails so a cold shower seems to be impending. *DUN DUN DUUUNNNNN*
Just one last note, salivating on windows has been proven to reduce the risk of growing cancerous tablet pens out of your budgie's left tripulated jeronimouous wing-tip feather (fourth from the left of the right-hand wing on a three-winged camel).
To infinity and hairstylist brushes!!

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

A Post A Day...

Wow. I'm doing pretty well considering that boiled socks have a distinct taste of pickled wombat hair. Now who would have thought that? Surely not the intercontinental missiles I just fired at the dolphin in the cable car on the telephone wire. My bad. So long and thanks for all the squiggly onion whiskers. Fish are the new green. Firey brown is the new wireless mouse (though most of them are, firey brown obviously). Suppose the world was as flat as a well-rounded orange peel. Where would all the beetles go for summer vacation? Sizzly frostbiting sunscreen.
Kiwis. If you think about them, scooters are more likely to blow up like an imploding 2-cent coin rather than scoot. They should be called squashy...ers. And so, following a logical thought path, kiwis obviously originated from some remote Pacific island off the coast of Bhutan. Similarly, frogs have been found to exude exotic slimes from the inside of their mouths that they use to attract predators as part of a courtship ritual when vying for the attentions of a cd-cover. The scientists who experimented on the frogs reported a significant loss of brain-cells in the surrounding plant life. This was found to explain global warming by way of sophisticated simplicity. Double S-words!! Triple your hair growth score. Piddly.
I've just borrowed your nose-hair trimmer to trim the edges of a clothes hanger's toenails. They were getting pretty long. Almost as long as the moths have been chewing on the garlic doorknob of vampirism. I like garlic. It's scrumptious. AND it leaves a strong afterthought in your left nostril but a weak one in your right auricle. Ossicle bones walk around at night and knock into things. Dreams are the result of tampering by elephant ears that have nothing better to do than watch TV on a power adapter cable. Ears, ears, ear components, flowery manliness.
Passionfruit was last seen over 50 light years away making out with a pair of old three horned 'awd bovines. On your knees to worship the clockwork firebolts of mockingbird beaks. *SQuAWk* Canaries sing rather nicely don't they? Magpies do too. Crows just cackle like sick constipated paper towels. Nice and yellow.
It's been a pleasure. Now time for the window to photosynthesise a breath mint.

Don't worry. He's got anti-missile barrier. Plus the ICBM relies on man-made echolocation which is no match for dolphin sonar. I'm an animal lover... as if I'd do something that evil... GEEZ.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Snippets of Reality

I was walking in from the bus stop right? Right?? Yes of course. I thought so to. So where was I? Oh right I was walking in the drain from the stop into the bus... No wait... I was walking in from the bus stop and stepped into the drain! Got it. Anyway there actually wasn't a drain to step in but I spent the next 5 minutes chewing on a roll of newspaper wrapped with coins. Despicable, that kind of moss. Just as I was stepping out of the solar plexus, a hovercraft went barrel-rolling rather steadily under my twitchy toenails. A pair of sparrows were hating each others guts in a passionate embrace over the controls. In the end, they landed rather peacefully on each others head. I thought it was pretty well controlled for a bladder.
Incidentally, the price of free chocolates sky-rocketed to a new low while the crickets practiced ten-pin bowling on a concrete tennis court. It was going rather well until it started raining blunt glass shards that cut deep and made a mess of the front laundry.
Optimus Prime says that every man should have a label stuck to his lapel to aid in the process of soft-toy manufacturing. Megatron however believes that hard liquor is the key to the evolution of all Prokaryotic species. Therein lies the essence of their ongoing conflict over glass houses. Autumn. Summer. Winter. *BoINg*
10 minutes ago the clocks around the world ticked for ten minutes and here we are in the past. Sudoku has also been proven to be a menace to society by causing stand fans to riot against the merciless punishment of the floorboards of Canadian houses. Sweet aspartame flavoured masticatable rat bones!! How succulent and juicy.
Chop chop. Splat. Spish. Bonk. Things that go bump in the night are going *spRoINg* just for variety.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Monday monday~

As the train came into the station on my way home today, (I was getting on it) I had an instantaneous image of myself jumping in a star-jump kind of jump out to meet it. *WHAM* The slowmo effect went through my head as well. ooo Chewy.
In other totally relevant news, it has been discovered that ants are the cause of Australia's drought. These malicious creatures (second only to beavers, tied with those evil fluffy white ducklings), dug deep deep chutes which were used to siphon rain water into gigantic pools that they used to train their ever-growing ranks of Olympic swimmers. What? This just in, roses have been declared a threat to the theories of Quantum Mechanics (what a nice shade of purplish yellow ochre), leaving a lingering smell even when they don't exist (when you're not looking at them). In addition (oo connectives), humans have been proven to have evolved from rocks from fossilized material over 2 days old. Amazing what archaelogy can do these days.
Termite oil has been deemed to be of a higher quality than palm oil and even corn oil especially in causing better tasting deaths. Astrologists have uncovered a new meaning in the shape of a 100-year old fig tree. Consequently, marshmallow oil still remains the top oil for cooking and general roasting of human flesh to appease the rock-hard marshmallow swine deities.
Back to the ants, it seems that they have built drain pipes out of empty exoskeletons to steal water from human dams. Damn those insidious creatures! Badgers don't spray you with foul-smelling musk like skunks!! Hair doesn't spontaneously ignite, though if it did the atmosphere would be as toxic as the soft spot on your chin.
Garble garble waffle waffle ice cream diaries and chocolate floppy discs of plastic.
Bits of chunky gravy float around in a sea of thick water fortified with fan blades blended with high quality beans to give a fragrant coffee-like aroma. Bouncy.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

To Celebrate A First Post, Consider:

An eagle soaring majestically high in the cloudless sky, over a green but flowery valley surrounded by white peaks blablabla etc etc. Isn't it a picturesque depiction of stereotyped majesty? Love the big words don't you. Welcome. I can guarantee that big words won't be a big part of ma blog. Nor will proper posts it seems. You see, the eagle saw a rabbit. Yes. Cute little bunny is going to die. So it seems. The eagle dives. It gets closer and closer to the seemingly unaware bunny. 5m away. 4. 3. The eagle covers 2 metres in .1 sec. Fast isn't it? Go count the velocity if you feel so inclined. The angle from the ground is 73.449129372103ยบ. Have fun yea? Anyway back to the story. The eagle died. The end.
Now how did that happen? Well next consider that if pigs could fly rabbits would probably be rather safe, and the human race would be doomed to even more antagonistic bombing than we usually get from our feathery friends. Yea. So if pigs could fly then the eagle would die, don't you see the logic? There's definitely logic in that. In fact you can calculate it, you see...
If you've believed me up to this point go hide your red face in shame because you're totally irrational and have no semblance of logical thought whatsoever. I mean just because pigs can fly doesn't mean rabbits would be safe (unless the eagle prefers pork, which I doubt) nor does it mean the eagle should be dead. So there.
Anyway, for the rest of us NOT-SO-SHAMEFACED people, we're all wondering what happened to the eagle except me of course, I mean this is MY story. So, why? Consider (i love that word) :
a) massive heart failure just at the opportune moment
b) lightning struck it on a clear day
c) Aliens killed it with a DEATH RAY!! ooo technology
d) rabbit had a shotgun
Now which is the most likely? Well shotgun obviously, everyone can get guns these days so why shouldn't the rabbit?
You're dead,
100 pellets in your head,
One green and one red,
Hang on... wasting vital nutrients. *munch* *munch*
Good old rabbits and their rodent table manners eh?
If that made much sense (emphasis on much) please explain it to me...

Arr!! Eat pellets eagle scum!! And so will I GRR