Wednesday, April 25, 2007

When You're Sleepy,

make a sound like a crazy polystyrene monkey: baka baka baka baka baka baka baka baka baka.
By the way, if you have a goldfish, check its teeth for signs of zirconium student access card disease. Cure with fake Nike boxers. Wish the goldfish "Get well soon" and hop on the next subway train to Hawaii. Pearl the Bomb Harbour and harbour pearls of wisdom to bomb. Ship a pack of Dunhills to a nudist beach and call all the women there fat. Call all the men wimpy and prepare to get the bashing of your life (alternatively run away very very fast). Make sure to avoid stepping on pinecones as you cross the beach road as this will interfere with the cure. Splash your way through the sand to the closest boulder with the encrypted inscription:

Bnmfqzstkzshnmr, H itrs vzrsde xntq shld

Decrypt it and jump for joy in blatant, ecstatic celebration. Decrypt again just to be sure and toss down two shots of overproof Bacardi to show that you're a man (chilled Ribena for the women). Eat a magic mushroom. Contemplate your stupidity and follow the hallucinations to the Forest of Gnomes.
NOTE: No matter how hard the hallucinations hit you, kick you and cause you intense pain, they ARE NOT the people from the nude beach. I repeat THEY ARE NOT. In fact, chanting "I do believe in fairies. I do. I do." won't help very much (unless you're particularly religious).
Regardless of whether the fairies come to help you or not, the gnomes will start a bonfire as you enter the forest and douse it before they start it. It's magic OK?
Take the next plane (once you are physically able) over the Himalayas and hijack it. Fly in a circle around the top of Mount Everest 10 times or until crispy and golden. Heat the apples in a saucepan and add butter and salt to taste. Throw away the interfering apple pie recipe and prepare for a crash landing. Rub salt in the wound and blow your own trumpet (for atmosphere, a requiem is pretty good). Swirl the snow around in you mouth for flavour and smash head first into a rock. If you aren't dead, well done. Proceed to roll of the nearest ledge, tumble into a deep crevasse and have an easter egg for doing so well.
Remember no pain, no gain.
Snort some weed, choking on the cellulose in the process.
Finally, make your way home. If your goldfish hasn't starved to death, hit it a few times and flush it down the toilet for making you suffer (in your state, the goldfish will win so don't worry about the RSPCA).
Rejoice, you saved your goldfish. Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.

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